The most beautiful losers

I was too late. 1 day, less than 24 hours even, too late. If I booked that flight to Christchurch only one day earlier.. I could have still been there. Who could have predicted this. I booked my flight 2 weeks before the actual flight date, when the world didn't know yet what was about to happen. When holland said we just couldn't shake hands any longer, when covid still felt far away. But 2 weeks later, the world closed down. Highways were empty, flights canceled. NZ and Australia closed their borders. And even after 16 months, nobody knows when they might allow visitors, non medical workers, basicly anyone again. In these times it makes you wonder what freedom actually means? But also these times, hopefully, make us feel blessed for the way we were able to live for so long. Just take a plane and go.. But no, Australia and NZ are still shut and I was too late. 

My world, my plans and dreams have been on hold. Adjusted my thinking, tried so hard not too live life in the past too much. Which is hard when the present makes you feel stuck and the future too uncertain.. however, living in a past tense: it does not help you to get forward. 

After more than one year of trying so hard to find a way, I got an oppertunity that gave me a chance of travelling to France. A job, riding horses for endurance: if it's impossible in holland, Australia or NZ.. France was the way to go.

Unfortunately the work gave me other 'lessons' than expected, it wasn't the right place for me to be at. But after all my experiences in OZ and NZ: that's what wandering became for me: always giving you something you weren't looking for but, perhaps, truly needed in the end. 

So here I am, I changed the plan and I've ended up at a beautifull place where I can train endurance horses. Slowly feeling like myself again. 

I've catched up with amazing friends here in France, with whom I worked with in OZ, giving me another place where I feel at home. Making me grateful for the people I've met along the way. 

I've tried other sports, activities in the past. With covid it was harder, but..

As a 5 year old I already knew I wanted to be with horses. It's not really in the family, I can't explain it. But one thing is certain: I need to ride in order to feel like me. Working with them, getting to know personalities and learning from them.. When I ride, I feel whole.

I guess that's why endurance riding is the best equestrian sport in my opinion/for me. Outside, long, and mostly while I am at different places and sceneries: which answers my initial comment: this is my sense of freedom.

So I am back on horseback, back in the hills and working outside all day. After more than a year of office work it took some pain and tears to get my own endurance and strength back.. In the first week I almost cried sometimes when I hopped back in the saddle. Didn't realize there are soo many muscles that can hurt at the same time! But pushing through it, knowing there is an amazing reason for it, made it easier. Who ever wants to tell me 'if you are riding a horse you aren't doing anything, you just sit' now, I'll be happy to challange you for a week of 3 hour riding a day.. 😇

I don't know what comes next. I don't have a clue and all I know is that I miss my horse and this lifestyle heaps. The work in Australia and new zealand. Where the original plan back in August 2019 was just to come to Holland home for 4 months: I've been on this side of the globe now for almost 2 years. It still hurts knowing I can't, the choice has been taking away for now. That feeling of living with a heart at different sides of the globe couldn't have been more obvious for me than during this pandemic.

On one hand I am grateful for the time here, both France and back in holland, but on the other hand it's painful for the missing out on riding my pony at his first 80s.. Lucky me, I know he's in the best hands I could ever hoped for. Being happy, being ridden by amazing people and thanks to them my boy is an open horse (this means he could start international rides). 

The contrast of feeling grateful & privileged compared to the feeling of missing and defeat at the same time. I know there will be a time again where I will see him, ride him and be at my other homes. But still, we both are getting older, time is slipping away.

For now however I'll try to focus on the here and now as hard as I can. Enjoying the landscapes, the horses and the exciting challenges that come with this.

I hope that this pandemic will be over soon, like we all do. I can't wait for my vaccination here. So, as one of my reasons, that hopefully I'll be able to travel easier and further away. I hope everyone who reads this will come out of this pandemic, ofcorse healthy but also, stronger. Knowing how much we have all suffered from it, all in our own ways. And hopefully that it changes some perspectives on what's most important in life. But mostly, that everyone will find their own meaning of freedom.

Covid proof hugs, Lieke

"je weet nog steeds niet wat je zocht, maar wel wat je bent kwijt geraakt. En het is oke, je bent niet alleen"  / "you still don't know what you've been looking for, but you do know what you've lost. And it's okay, you are not alone" 

Blof - de mooiste verliezers