Sweet 2018, a Bittersweet Symphony

Sweet 2018, 
 

There you were.. You came, you flew, and very soon you'll be in the past. 

In 2017 my goal was to start writing in english. I havent done it much maybe. But, at least, the few ones I did write where in English. Goal 1 accomplished!

2018, you were a bittersweet symphony. I guess so many things are, but you proved it. I ended my "sweet 2017" letter with the words that you, 2018, would become a year of balance. A balance between happy and sad. And o boy, little did I know that this would be more true than I could ever imagine it would be. From the start till the very end. But.. I also said that in 2018 I would dream bigger dreams. And hey.. Was I right or what, 2018? Doesnt it feel strange? To accidentally have been right without even knowing you have made all the right moves that lead you to that one big thing..? 

So.. You started with an amazing 1st month. A month where I got to show my parents around a country I fell so deeply in love with. A country I am addicted of, New Zealand. I am still smiling thinking of that amazing month where I showed my parents many of my favorite NZ spots. The things we did together, the things I was able to finally share with them. And the one big thing that they made happen.. Being able to buy the one and only CD Coruba. 

Thats how you started. But also within the first month the amazing balance between happy and sad showed itself straight away. Cause having to say goodbye to my parents wasnt easy. I needed to get used to the distance again. But on the day they left, a sad day, one of my best friends arrived back in NZ, Annabelle. Joy and sadness within 12 hours. 

2018, I started you with lots of uncertainties. Slowly becoming broke, knowing that I needed to find a job in Australia quickly or else I wouldnt be able to support my lifestyle anylonger. I thought that I couldnt be picky. Yes I preferd a horsejob. But.. What are the odds that that would actually happen? So I was preparing myself for a shitty job to support myself and to go back to NZ once my 1st WHVisa would run out in OZ. 

Instead... I found a 3th "home". I found an incredible job with amazing horses. I found a job that allowed me to ride in endurance competitions. That payed me for riding horses everyday. That had an amazing team. And.. That could get me my 2nd WHV for OZ. Best thing is 2018, I get to go back in 2019! How crazy is that?! 

But also 2018, you have taught me some big lessons. Some unexpected ones, painfull ones. Lessons that brought me back down to the ground. Or maybe even pinched the big beautifull bubble I was living in for a while. And there you go, the balance I thought you would give, you gave. Dreams come with a price..

The last month in OZ made me realize that OZ became more than I first tought. Cause to me, I got the 1st WHV in OZ as a reason for being close to NZ. For earning money and support the life I tried to live. 

Instead OZ became another place I felt at home at. The people, the lifestyle, the job. I realized that: while I was working there, I had put all my other doubts and worries about a future on hold as much as I could. (Dont forget I do kind of, maybe, overthink things a little bit.. So as much as I could is already a big accomplishment ;) ) but, putting my worries about these things on hold: it was what I needed. Just focussing on work, on the day.. The moment. 

I left early november for a holiday in HollandHome. After nearly 18 months I set foot back in the country where my roots are. Something I really wanted to do for a while. And 3 weeks is short. Way too short. But like my wise sister mentioned, 5 weeks would have been too short aswell. So I guess 3 weeks was actually pretty good! Being back in a country where I felt so stuck in for most of 2016 gave me plenty to think about. It was good tho, to see new oppertunities. To slowly try and see a way to live there if there isnt any other way. For when I cannot support the life I am living at the moment and I have to go back..

An emotional rollecoaster once again. But at the right time. And I was so happy to be able to do this HollandHoliday. 

After those 3 weeks it was time to go back to my pony, too the country I love so deeply. And here I am.. Writing a part of my letter to you underneath a shiny full moon. Not a single breeze, some horsey noises in the distance.. A grazing horse on the lawn. My perfect little pony world. 

Being back, riding my horse again which I still can't truly understand that he is my horse. Being back here again, Everything seems the same, but.. Everything is o so different... 

So yeah, 2018, within a month I have been at my 3 homes, I was going Homes! Seriously,

I understand that some people might think it all sounds ridiculous me talking about different homes.. But I guess when you travel and stay for a longer period of time at several places, the meaning of "home" changes. Home becomes so much more. And you can feel at home at different places.. 

But being at my 3 homes within one month: is weird. And it got my mind going again, going at a 100 miles an hour. 

Going so fast because I know that 2019 will become Big. Very big. My OZ visa will run out.. And I need to make some big decisions about what my next step will be. Because the thing I am doing might not last. It feels like I almost have to start to settle somewhere. But how, 2018, can I settle if the tought of it already chokes me? 

Anyways, I lost some ground underneath my feet lately. I am at a point where I know the end of it all might come. But the next step is a grey blurr. And I need to start to figuer it out. For 4 years now I have been able to come back here at NZhome. To make my dreams bigger and bigger. So I cannot help but wonder; what if it ends? 

I guess 2019 will bring more extremes. Dreaming big dreams with you 2018, making some really big ones come true, gives me motivation to try and dream bigger. To keep going and find out if there even is a ceiling of it all. 

Riding an endurance ride with my own horse in NZ. Thats where I will start. Probably in the 1st month with 2019 I am able to make that happen. And after that dream.. Who knows? I have got ideas. Vague thoughts that need more shaping before it'll be an actual dream. 2019 will be intense, will be hopefully a new beginning of amazing plans. 

2018, you got me confused. A little lost perhaps. 

2019, I will clear my mind again. Have faith in my guts and follow the path that I am supposed to follow. It's time to breathe again. To be.. Me. 

I am so gratefull for what happend with you by my side. For all the oppertunities that came. I'll never forget you! Can you tell 2019 I am ready and excited? 

Love, Lieke